I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize