my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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