Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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