if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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