I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Randomize
