Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
