How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
