Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
