At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
