Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
