I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
