What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
