she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
