I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
