I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
