dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so let's talk penis.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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