It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
