paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
