Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
