Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
