Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
