Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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