sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I have post one night stand depression
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