I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize