after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
