dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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