what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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