I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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