i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
