I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
