Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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