My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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