I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
