i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
