Your face is a jimmy john
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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