the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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