I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
