my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize