It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
