I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
