Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
