Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I need moral support for this bender
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
