You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
