Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
