I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
