Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize