he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
