my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
