Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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