then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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