I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize