apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
