i love accidental penises.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
