how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
