listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
