I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
