I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
