Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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