I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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