I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
