One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
